i brought a book. how amazing is that, the only type of books i buy was artbook. the last book i brought was out of english assignment. guess what? i brought a novel. it wasnt particularly SUPER funny but i had an itch to buy it. i have not a clue why.
and for once. im sitting on my bed. reading 7 chapter straight until i felt like i read enough. at least to get to the main plot of the whole book going. chilling, flipping page by page with Angela Aki's relaxing song on repeat.
been on this... "relaxing" song routine coz i read something about listen to soft and easy music before bed time helps. though...... its not really working so far. i couldnt sleep through the night like last time anymore. what is missing? why cant i close my eye and open to the next thing which is morning and not fucking 1 or 2 hour or even freaking few minutes later!?
... yea, the sleeplessness is getting to me. im edgy, im craving for attention and at the same time rejecting on-purpose-attention rofl im not making any sense but i need to rant i want to know why too. self stress. i have no regret shaving quarter one side of my hair. it felt kind of nice like something, something heavy just got shave off along it. beats me man, beats me.
ahh fuckk i dont even feel like trying to sleep anymore, its like if i cant sleep, well let it be, i'll just stay up and paint but no. i cant do that when my health is just getting better. yeah went to another health check, the marks slightly improve, could have been higher, like i could get a B hahahaha if it wasnt for post-insomia.
was up until 230am yesterday and i dont feel the wee bit tiredness. maybe i just need some bitches in life to stress me out, get exhausted thinking of ways to kill them off, worn myself out cursing here and maybe, just maybe, i can finally sleep like i use to?
stress? i dont know really, im just edgy right now. and joinin the night owls will 100% affect my working life. it has and it still is. my progress is getting slower, i dont wanna disappoint PH when our company is finally hitting somewhere big, as much as i dont wanna admit, im a dedicative person if i with something i like. and i feel guilt-ridden if i dont do my best.
that explains why i kick myself out from groups when the admin clearly dont mind me hanging around and do nothing... i kind of regretted doing that in some groups... jealous at some point why everyone could get along so well while i struggle so bad? but im-- proud to say im... not afraid of being left out. well not as much as last time but i still go back... to those group i gave myself up and see the progress they made when i left.
do you ever have the feeling like, your in their way and after your gone, everything starts flowing again? yea i know im pretty much thinking too much but i cant help it. this is me. im a dam to myself. come to think of it, if im ranting this much for no reason, it really does mean im stress right?
DA is probably my major joy land. i look forward to every happy feedback. favs and watch. Regular ppl faving all my shitloads, making internet connection that will not benefit me a thing in life but isnt that a good thing in a way? its like watching tv programs when actually your just wasting time.... that goes to my hobby too.. heyyy i think i can consider lurking in DA a hobby. ahahhahaha yesh, problem solve.
oh wow. i think i'll keep on going until i can publish a novel, better stop here and... go back painting now. i like making ppl happy. specially when they have 'needs' which i can help. which i wont get angry over coz i know they'll be happy regardless. ah geez. life is such a hard game.
and know what? screw internet threshold, i can finish 3GB in a week and thats not going to change anything no matter how much i restrain myself. i want to lurk online. i want my foreign friend to come and talk to me like they need me even if it for their selfish reason. yea i have those friends. dont ask lmao. some of them, got really happy when they see me online, so easily emotionally touched, jeez im such a puss.
so yes. let me waste it away and be less stress about it. let me take a step at the time... to see what im really, ACTUALLY, stressing about.
... honestly. i think im just tired. very. tired.....
No comments:
Post a Comment